the unspoken war

The journey I've been on has been difficult; it's been mentally and emotionally draining. Your special day is wrecked, and a few days before that, you lose someone. Pretending that everything is fine is one thing; pretending that it never happened is a whole other. Maybe I assumed that having one last talk would be enough to put everything to end back then. But in that situation, the only thing I could do was remain silent and leave things hanging.

Perhaps it is best not to say anything at all. The only thing that comes to me is that I should get rid of everything. What should I do? What can I say? When I'm forced to do something I don't want to do. What I'm supposed to do when all I can think about is "when did everything go wrong?" Why did everything backfire on me at the last minute when everything was going so well? What am I supposed to do? I have to respond to everything at once.

The unexpected happens in the most unpleasant way possible. I've never felt so lost in my life. It's as though my mind and soul aren't connected. One thing is certain: the instant I saw that scene, I knew my heart had been shattered. I couldn't find the perfect words to describe how messed up things were because they were so messed up.

The war of silence has begun. As I stared blankly into nothingness, thoughts upon thoughts flooded through my mind. Will I be able to keep my lips sealed about this till the very end? Will I be able to keep on acting as if I don't know anything? Will it be worth it to put up with this misery for a while? Will I be able to deal with this on my own? I wonder if I will survive till the end of the year.

The heavy sound of rain at midnight, accompanied by the dandelions by Ruth B, who was playing on my airpods, seemed to set my mind at peace. "What a great way to start reminiscing about memories." I sighed as I closed my eyes and thought to myself. As the memories came rushing through, all of the questions came to a halt.